Getting Ready for Bed

My wife: "Okay, time to go to the bathroom before bed..."
Daughter: "I am already going Mommy."
My Wife: "I don't hear you going to the bathroom."
Daughter: "My pee is silent Mommy."

At Our Friend's House for Dinner

My Friend Joe to My Daughter: "Can you please leave those double doors open so that we can hear you?"
My Daughter: "No.  I don't want to hear you talking anymore..."

At the Interior Decorator's Office

Upon my daughter seeing me exiting the men's room:
Daughter (to the entire store population): "Did you just go poopy Daddy?"
Me: "I just went to the bathroom sweatheart."
Daughter: "You sure took a long time..."

Getting Ready for Bed

Daughter: "Daddy, since I wear a diaper at night, it's okay if I pee in it right?"
Me: "I would prefer that you go in the potty..."
Daughter: "I pre-for to go in my diaper..."

At McDonlads

Our daughter to a woman with a short haircut: "Are you a boy?"
Short haired woman: Glare only, no response

At the Grocery Store

Our Daughter to an Older Woman: "Are you a grandma"
Unhappy Older Woman: "Yes.  Yes I am."

Guys Night Out

After a night out with the boys: "Daddy your breath smells worse than your toots!"

To The Neighbors

After barging in on me peeing, my daughter shared the following with our neighbors: "My Daddy's penis wiggles when he pees."

At the Barber Shop

Daughter to Random Male Customer: "You are a cute boy."
Random Male Customer: "Thank you.  I don't hear that too often..."
Daugher: "Are you getting your hair cut?"
Random Male Customer: "Yes I am.  My hair is getting shaggy."
Daughter: "My Daddy's hair doesn't get shaggy because he doesn't have much left to cut."

At School

To her teacher: "I'm pooped.  Not the kind that comes out of your butt...just tired."

At The Zoo

To one of our male friends: "You're a boy.  You have a penis.  My daddy has a penis"

What Is This Blog About?

My wife and I so greatly enjoyed Justin Halpern's book and blog "Sh*t My Dad Says" that over cocktails on a Saturday night we decided to pay tribute to the concept in the only way we knew how...borrow the idea and apply it to "Sh1t My Kid Said".

We are not naive parents.  We know that every parent on the planet thinks their kid or kids are hilarious.  The only difference is, our kid is hilarious, mainly because our kid has incredibly funny parents...just ask us.  Some parents leverage their kid's good looks and put them into beauty pageants at age 2 or 3.  We plan to exploit our child in the good old fashioned way of internet saturation in hopes of getting her into show business so that we can both retire early and watch our her on TMZ every night.  Actually, our only hope is that other parents will relate to our daughter's quips and get an occasional chuckle.  I never realized how hilarious kids were until I had one of my own.  The brutal honesty that my daughter shares with me on a daily basis is what keeps me sane.  I hope you enjoy and share with others.  Feel free to respond to each post or email us at sh1tmykidsaid@gmail.com.